| paint my world for me |
[21 Mar 2006|04:56pm] |
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mood |
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undecided |
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music |
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Aerosmith |
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I'm sitting at my mom's computer listening to all of her country and pop music and it's the happiest I've felt all day. Lately I've only felt pathetic and selfish. it's annoying. the book I read on Sunday, The Boyfriend List, was quite eye-opening about this. I sorta felt like the chick in the book [minus the broken heart]. She was talking to her shrink, and the shrink asks why she didnt just call the girl and apologize and instead wait around and sit at home on Friday nigihts and why she lied to her [now ex]-boyfriend when she was mad when he blew her off that Saturday night. This chick was letting the events of her life unfold and she had no control over them. That's how I feel now. I think it's due to my apathetic lifestyle and my insecurity though. I never call someone to make plans with them. I wait and half-expect [I can't use the word hope because I have taken it out of my vocabulary] they'll call me and actually want to hang out with me. If they don't call I see it as their loss. On the other end, I feel unwanted because no one calls me when I could just as easily dial 954 and seven other numbers. I think I have to blame myself because if I blame others I feel selfish and I loathe that feeling. School isnt helping. Honestly, whats the point of school. Academics put you to sleep and everyone at school pre-judges you in one way or another. The only blissful time at school is lunch. 1. you're with your friends 2. a long-ish break from class 3. freedom from stress this update also been influenced by picking new classes. Our dumb shit D-school has only given us TWO days to pick new classes. they must be outside their fucking minds. I'm so lost on what to do. I have my idea on what I want to take, my parents input, and the peer-pressure of what everyone else is doing, oh and Mrs. Wilson's annoying rambling about AP preparing you for college. The NHS ceremony this week is also annoying. Just another way to make me feel stupid and not good enougt for high level classes. Basically, I could do without school and peer pressure right now.
PS. dont you love listening to a song and being able to relate your life to every lyric?
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| what you mean isn't what you say |
[24 Feb 2006|03:37pm] |
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mood |
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hurt |
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music |
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dont leave me AAR |
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this week has been horrible. but I have learned a valueable lesson: getting your hopes up is a waste
yes. it's an exhilarating feeling to think about what could happen and what might happen. and you get this jittering five-year-old feeling rushing through your blood. but. having that hope shatter in a matter of seconds after building it up for however long hurts. horribly. and after that. you'll cry. possibly on a bathroom floor, but better yet, your bed in your room with the door closed while you have your back turned on the world. its a feeling that no ones wants to let in but it breaks your barrier like a cold getting in your system and making you sick. this feeling takes you over and also makes you sick and you'll have that look on your face that says youre fed up with bullshit. you become a realist after that and realize nothings permanent and nothing lasts [God forbid] forever. and when people say one thing they probably mean another. its just like that girl you know that you talk to in English only because your last names' start with the same letter, she'll say, "are you o.k.?" you'll shrug your shoulders and put your head down so no one can recongnize your hurt, say "I'm fine", or the best one, "nothing". you know youre lying not only to yourself but to them. but whats worse is tell the one close to you that something IS wrong. its harder to pour out how your feeling with someone close to you because most likely they've never seen you like this or you dont want them to and they dont want to see you like this. hiding your feelings is better than spilling them out like gossip. no one needs to know your problems and if they do let them prove to you that they care enough about you to listen and worry about you. if they dont then they can go ass-kiss some other person who cant replace you. hope is defined as--wishing for something with expectation of its fulfillment. like I've said "fuck expectations" they only dissappoint you.
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[23 Feb 2006|05:11pm] |
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mood |
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edgey |
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music |
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our favorite song |
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pretend_toocare's journal